Thursday, October 25, 2012

One For The Sisters

So tonight I write to you...very exhausted. Very depleted of energy and really just emptied of giving much at all. And that blows major ass because, I love giving. Giving though, admittedly does tend to cause some emptiness sometimes. We're told that you have to be one of those types, you know--that are "aware" and "insightful" of these things...Except that it actually has more to do with having the resources to do something about being drained and needing fuel, than actually just realizing it. Husband is a psychotherapist. He realizes a whole hell of a lot...Similarly, I'm a parent so, I know every emotion that comes and goes in this home.

We are the air traffic controllers of emotion in this home.

(But even those guys get to take the helicopters down for the night.
...Where's my fricken 30 minute break??...Hell, I start SMOKING so I can have one*...)

Gaa! I'm so tired, I'm getting off topic, ruining my own profoundness...If there was any to be had. My point is, what do we do when we realize we're lacking and needy? I think there is a certain amount of peace that comes with this acceptance, that you're drained, and suddenly it's okay that it is so. I wanna say all those right things like, "Take breaks! Go on dates! Get a sitter! Take YOU-time!" because those things are true and necessary, and worth fighting for. But...sometimes, you're too tired to even fight for that is beautiful but life can also be...hard.  

I've been given some beautiful opportunities to learn with great humility, that sometimes, you can't have not only what you want but what you need. I later came to find out, what I thought I needed, I really didn't. Because the thing I really needed in those dire situations wasn't a thing, it was trust and blind faith. And I'm talking, bare-bones here, that I was asking for, like food, education, a friend, or just even a nursing bra for crying out loud. I remember specifically not less than a year ago, being so very pregnant and to tired to function. I prayed in a way that I do when I'm feel's in a way that there are no words or even thoughts, just all of my heart poured out, bleeding there for Him to feel. "Hope through others...Hope through others." That wasn't comforting at first. "That's fantastic," I thought, "rely on people; us people who can't commit to anything." How wrong I was to doubt love of others! It was through others that our family was fed, my kids had care at times, and I had goods from the store for even my hospital stay. Though it might have been less than I could have imagined in times before such hardship, having this help when we did was like cool heavenly rain after a drought. Such abundance...God knew what we needed, even when we didn't.

I say the same for tonight.

I have had the utter blessing of having one of those conversations with someone you love that you don't think you want, don't expect to have, and then can't believe your blessings when you do. I didn't know I was feeling so lonely and down about not knowing where I'm supposed to be, how to be the best mom when kids are demanding and there's sick, sick, sick people out there trying to KILL our kids, how to be the "best me", or WHY THE HELL there's never any EFFING parking spaces in the KINDERGARTEN line...It's KINDERGARTEN! ... I didn't realize I have felt really emotionally beat up by this stay at home job I'm told is Rewarding and Priceless. And I certainly didn't realize, all the good things I am (allegedly) doing.
I gotta tell ya, I don't like false compliments; I don't like such flattery because it's not authentic, and I can tell when a woman flatters me to foster her own insecurities. I also don't like knowing when I've made other women uncomfortable because they are surprised that I have talents or maybe something they don't. It's a weird thing to not like, but I know that feeling...For some reason, I apparently don't "look" like someone you'd expect certain talents singing, dancing, writing, and being creative are not for short, Hispanic, obnoxious chubbsters or something...? So I tend to make women uncomfortable when I turn out to be this honest, loud, really relentless little tamale. Anyway, let it be said, compliments make me uncomfortable because usually, they are not really all that genuine or thought-out. Until tonight, I didn't realize how desperately, what I actually needed was to just be loved by someone real, who really knows my heart. (Yes of COURSE Husband loves me and knows my heart...but God gave us sister-hood for a reason.)

My sister (we'll call her Sister Smarty Pants) awesome. We've been through...a lot together let's just say. She is one of THE most real, most genuine, and most willingly honest people I the world. We don't necessarily see eye to eye all the time because...we're both pretty opinionated but...there is a love and respect that could only be grown from a lot of loving toil. Tonight, she asked if I was okay. I said, I thought I was okay but then, realized (ding-ding-ding the magic word of this post...not by my choice! I hate that word right now but I'll use my exclamation rule to make it more positive...!) I am strugglin'. I edited a lot because, it's Sister-Private but the following, I will share, Sister Smarty Pants had this to say:

Your kids see you as a never ending fountain of gifts and capability. unfortunately, they are entitled and selfish because they're babies, but that's mendable.
You've built for them in 5 years what we never had in 20 years of parenting from mom and dad (and they were young and we forgive them, but it's true).
I just wish you could see how wonderful you are,

especially to them.

I think once you realize what you do right, the things that you need to work on will have the ability to fall into place.
It's hard to find things that work
but your kids are beautiful and wonderful even when they are little shits.
You're a wonderful mother.
You always were, even to me. And you are beautiful. Your advice is loving and thoughtful. You really want to KNOW the people in your life.
I will always need you.
You deserve to hear these things... all of them because they're true.
    Just stop being so hard on yourself. You don't have to be perfect to be amazing. You are amazing. You do so many things with more love, devotion, and true grace than you realize. You're a great person, a beautiful woman with so much to offer the world. The only thing stopping you is not believing you deserve it.
    So I'm telling you. You deserve wonderful things in your life. You deserve loving, smart, capable, available friends. You deserve love and respect. You have beautiful, smart, mind blowing things to say. You are wise and photogenic and have lovely hair.

    • I never have to wonder whether or not you will always be in my life or not. I never have. Thank you for that. I never realized how many people don't have that. Thank you...

    I share these things because you see, I never would have asked for those things, nor would have thought I needed to hear them, or even that I could believe them but not for God knowing me so much better than myself, and sending me my Sister Smarty Pants to shower me with love and honesty that I can't reject.

    Thank you, Father, for real love. I'm not sure why I get to have some of it, but may I never cease to take it for granted.

    If you don't have a Sister, don't feel badly; just go get one. You can't afford not to have one, I tell you. I mean it--if you think you're in danger of missing this opportunity, turn to the next woman on your right, and give her a giant hug, Happy Snappy (which is a sisterly ass-slap), or buy her a drink first. Then, it won't be so weird. God doesn't give all of us "natural" sisters, but seeing as how there are more women in the world, and we live longer, He sure as heck gave us opportunity to grow some in our hearts! Go! Get a Sista! It's your homework.

    *I would do anything for love...but I won't do that lol...I would do A LOT of really crazy things to get a break but smoking's not one...Though climbing atop my roof with a giant jug of Cuervo even in a snow storm, is not off the docket...

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