Wednesday, July 18, 2012

The Picture Of Mental Health

Happy summer! Many of you have been worried about me since I've landed myself in a cast, lost my phone to a watery abyss, and had no car for human contact. Just to show you how well and sane I am staying, I am proving it by sharing some of the daily questions I get asked--because I am such an *ambitious, organized, and put-together mother! I've finally decided to put together a FAQ'S post from me to you--toodles!


"I have a hard time with bath time--trying to bathe all four of my kids feels nearly impossible!"
Then don't, you idiot. It's summer--just hose them down in the yard before-hand. If you live in an apartment, use the driveway. If you're rich, have a drain installed in your garage. I personally, pass them all off to my husband for bath time as soon as he walks in the door, and pretend I am a tenant living in the other half of the house next to a dysfunctional family. Sometimes, I even hit the wall with my fist and yell, "Can ya keep your vermits QUIET in there?! Some people wanna watch Bravo!, geeze!"

"It is so difficult to teach my young children not to run away when we're anywhere away from home (the zoo, store, parking lots etc.)! Any tips?"
Yeah--three words for you, my friend: RETRACTABLE-DOG-LEASH. Sometimes when I feel a little guilty about having my kids on a leash, I pretend they're puppies instead. "HEEL!" I shout and it's kinda like having a dog-sled team.

"Help! My significant other won't share in the cleaning duty--I thought it was 50/50!"
Word. Clinical teaching has taught me this: you can't make anyone do anything; you can only try to show them the truth of the situation and be patient while they figure some things out for themselves. Solution: make a giant bonfire and torch his half of the possessions in a fiery flame. This way, he'll feel like you listened to him--it was just too much for him to do his share. Well now, it doesn't exist! And, you win because the only chores left for him to do are yours. Solved!

I really need some encouragement: I am desperately trying to get my body in shape after having kids, I start seeing results, then things keep stopping me--nasty flu, tendonitis, and a fractured ankle! What should I do?"
First of all--what are you--some kind of freak? God doesn't do that to ONE person all at once, psh! I suppose if you're not lying, my best advice is: accept it's going to take time and that you just need to heal for now. Then, become one of those people that actually watches every P90X, Insanity, and Asylum infommercial available, just to torture yourself. Do this preferably while drinking from a box of wine and eating a fried-chicken salad. This is healthy, right? Look at it this way--maybe by the time you get around to being healthy enough to exercise, you can just have saved up money and can BUY yourself a new ass! That's what I call optimism!

[*Disclaimer: Okay, okay--so maybe that isn't a picture of me,  and it's actually Donna Reed...And maybe no one's actually asked me to answer anything...What's that? No--absolutely NOT--these questions are not uncannily like my own ponderings and these QUACKY answers certainly are nothing I've made up in my own head, just to laugh out loud... What kind of schmuck would publish anything but fiction with something like this?! Not me...nope. Not me.]