Wednesday, February 23, 2011

The First Time You Feel "It"

First and foremost, get your mind out of the gutter, otherwise you will be undoubtedly disappointed. Let me define "it" as: the feeling you get as a new stay at home mother when it hits you that this might not be what you expected; that you might rather be sitting in some dentist's torture chair, waiving the lidocain rather than being in your exact moment in your home. It's a specific moment and feeling because you really don't wanna feel it, and in fact, you wonder just how guilty you should be by feeling it, and at the same time tell yourself, "Expression of feelings is healthy, I need to be honest with how I'm feeling, so I can move on from this moment." Afterall that's what all the magazines say but then desperately, you flip through hundreds of mental articles in your brain and fail to find any that quoted the moms saying they'd rather hump a cactus than clean the poop in your unpotty-trained-toddler's bathtub. Hmmm...nope can't think of any...

Anyway, I bring this up in my first post not to spend all my writing lamenting and boo-hooing but really, just to point out that it's tough to hear the real stuff sometimes, and even tougher to get support in it. I want moms and/or dads to read this and to feel some small comfort in knowing they are not alone in struggling or feeling a little...insane. The funny thing is, I am surrounded by wonderful mothers and supporters but would still find myself feeling like, "Are my kids the only ones who don't sleep?" or "Do my kids have some sort of psychotic energy disorder only to occur during Mass, at the most quiet times, yelling, "I HATE THE LORD! I DON'T WANT JESUS!!" The uncouth, embarrassing, and often all-too-revealing truths of parenthood as ugly as they can be as well as rewarding come down to this: we may be parents but we're still people. People have insecurities, fears, breakdowns, and...relapses into eating entire boxes of chocolate and drinking the cooking wine just to cope.

The last thing I bring up, is important because it will probably determine whether or not you continue to read my posts: I am a Catholic, Christian, Woman. Yes, I am aware of the grammatical flaws I just made. I did that on purpose because while they are representative of me in one phrase, they are also each individually a profound part of what makes me ME and that is as much what this blog will hopefully be about as anything (not ME but being real, being honest, and seeking to find authenticity as a person in my journey of motherhood etc.). I promise not to push any sort of religious schtuff at you such as, "Believe in ___ and you will be HEALED from every ill and bad day--FOREVER!" Well that wouldn't be real, now would it? I am opinionated, and straightforward in my beliefs but again, I want to say that my posts aren't really at this point, intended to sway or push anything. They are a means to see inside someone else's life, hopefully laugh, and hopefully have a little inspiration. In short: I'm inviting you to laugh at my life so I can too. That's all. 

I hope I can hear (respectful)feedback eventually and all that is left to say until next time is, are you ready for this jelly?