Thursday, November 3, 2011

Dear OB/Prenatal Establishment Where-From I Am Reluctantly Receiving "Care":

I don't like you. I don't know why anyone does but I definitely don't like you. I have some requests that have been gathering up for quite some time and here they are, in writing.


To the Medical Assistants: Please don't talk over and around me whilst taking my vitals, thinking I am not there. Furthermore, please refrain from having idiotic and asinine discussionswherein you are wrong about everything you're talking about, and when I politely give you the correct information, you stop for a moment as if, "Did you hear something?" and then continue in your ridiculous conversation. (Like, discussing that there are wolf spiders in Colorado the size of dinner plates, that are lethally poisonous...that live in large webs.)
(*In case anyone reads this and dares to challenge such a nerd as myself who is married to Spider-Bug-Man expert: the largest found wolf spider in Colorado was 2.5"--yuck--and they don't weave cobwebs, they live on the ground and burrow webs; and are only mildly poisonous.)

Anyway, it leaves me no choice but to be annoying and turn into the 10 year old trapped inside my brain and start just making non-sensical statements because I know you're not listening ("His underwearrrr were hardly your degree from way out therrrre?...I guess yer movin' me to another prego chair!" etc.).

Request #2: During ultrasounds, please don't set me up with some nurse that chomps on bubble gum the whole time, while digging around, giving me an exam, and then during the very first picture of my baby says, " looks like all is well except for...this schmutz right here behind the baby." SCHMUTZ?!  "No need to panic--could be mass; could be another baby *shrug*." Or, upon the second-sixth ultrasounds, set me up with a beautiful, snooty young woman who hates kids, and has no patience for pregnant woman, with kids. She might say things while becoming exasperated , like, "AH! Your baby is caddy-wampus--" CADDYWAMPUS?! Is this a medical term for a golf-laden-platypus?! "--and simply refuses to move where I can see him." She might also say other memorable one-liners like, "*sigh of anger* This baby is out to GET me today! I was going to have an extra hour to pay my bills, look online etc., but now I guess I'll be here with you..."  She then may proceed to become so upset that my unborn baby won't move because he is "caddywampus", that she will begin to use her sonogram tool to jab at various places on my stomach, thinking that this will jar him. I just might have felt like a piece of meat getting tenderized. I might have said, "Um, I know it seems like fluff to you but it's MY fat and stomach...and it hurts..." She may also try to assure me when measurements come back slightly abnormal by saying, "Now, I'm not a doctor--" SHOCKING! "--but my Spidey-Sense is telling me that everything is a-okay!" [insert thumbs up and bouncing ponytail with fake enthusiastic head-nod]. Perfect! I'm assured by a woman who's confidence is embedded in her inner Spider-Man, that my baby hasn't already suffered Shaken Baby Syndrome by her stomach-abusive shenanigans. 
So, my dear highly-rated,ridiculously expensive establishment: would it be too much, to request that she receive some sort of socialization classes? Anger Management? Or perhaps, have her superiors administer some sort of questionnaire that asks questions like: "I am annoyed by unborn babies that don't cooperate with the rest of my schedule" or, "situations that are not in my control really make me feel psychotic" etc. If she checks "yes" on say, ANY of them, maybe she can be redirected to something like...another job? Just a request.

Request #3: Please educate your staff on important things like, not making diagnosis that sound definitive, when come to find out, they were not qualified to do so. For example, Gum Chomper Nurse, after giving me a five second exam, declaring that my cervix is "too short" and rushing me into a panic that the baby will drop out into existence, at any time. Throwin' around terms like "bed rest" and "pre-term labor;" it's...unsettling and just might nearly throw me into cardiac arrest...which probably would bring about pre-term labor...

Request #4: Finally, I know this may be harsh but--please hire a secretary who can actually see...and hear...and use a computer? It would be so helpful when I'm having cramps and trying to explain my medical symptoms several times because "stomach cramps" sounded the same as "wallup clamps" (??) and my saying I thought it might be due to "severe dehydration" somehow translates into "severe deridation" (which isn't even a word). Yes; it could be helpful because then the doctor won't call me, thinking I'm a lunatic, clearly suffering from some cortisol-amped episode of psychosis. 

Actually...if you really want my request...Can you just shut the place down and turn it into a day spa?

Sincerely And In-Debted To You,